Good first-date etiquette is simple: be punctual, be polite to everyone, put your phone away and show curiosity about the person across from you. Pay attention to comfort and boundaries, and discuss the bill without turning it into a test. Good manners should make a date easier, not more ceremonial.
There is a peculiar breed of gentleman who approaches a first date as though he's appearing before the Royal Family. He opens every door with a flourish, bows over the menu, addresses the waiter as "my good man" and all but produces a sword to defend his companion's honour from a passing cyclist.
It's exhausting to watch. Heaven knows what it's like to sit opposite him.
Then there's his equally hopeless cousin, who turns up late, leaves his phone on the table and asks whether she wants to split the parking charge before they've even ordered a drink.
Somewhere between these two specimens lies the attractive territory known as behaving like a decent adult.
First-date etiquette for men isn't a collection of dusty Victorian rules. It's the art of making someone feel comfortable, respected and genuinely welcome in your company while remaining enough of yourself for the evening to have a pulse. A little polish is lovely. A full diplomatic ceremony isn't required.
Arrive when you said you would
Being on time is the least exciting piece of dating advice in human history. It is also one of the most useful.
If you've arranged to meet at seven, get there a few minutes before seven. Find the entrance, take a breath, perhaps check where the loos are, and spare her the pleasure of standing outside wondering whether the man from the charming messages has disappeared into the municipal drainage system.
Life happens, of course. Trains break down, traffic jams appear and parking machines suddenly demand a tutorial in advanced mathematics. If you're delayed, say so promptly and give a realistic estimate. Don't describe yourself as "two minutes away" while still brushing your teeth.
If she's late, there's no need to greet her with an indictment. Ask whether everything's all right. You can notice poor timekeeping without beginning the evening as an aggrieved stationmaster.
Good manners run in both directions; neither person is auditioning to serve the other.
Greet her like someone you're delighted to see
A warm smile, eye contact and a simple hello are entirely sufficient. "It's lovely to meet you" has endured for generations because it works rather well.
Hugs are more complicated. Some people hug almost everybody; others prefer a little space with new acquaintances. Pay attention to her approach and take your cue from what she seems comfortable with. If uncertain, a cheerful greeting is much better than lunging towards a stranger like an overenthusiastic Labrador.
The same goes for compliments. One sincere remark is charming. "You look lovely" is pleasantly direct if it feels natural. A minute-long appraisal of her physical assets before she's taken her coat off is quite another thing.
And do look up from your phone when she arrives. She has made the effort to be there in person. Offer her the rather generous gift of noticing.
Put your phone away, properly away
You know the chap: lovely shirt, decent shoes, apparently polite, yet every forty-five seconds he glances at the glowing rectangle beside his cutlery. One might assume the Prime Minister has appointed him to oversee an emergency evacuation.
Usually it's a group chat about football.
Put the phone on silent and tuck it away. If you're expecting an important call, explain briefly at the beginning: "I'm waiting for news about a family matter; I may need to answer if it rings." That's considerate. Repeatedly flicking through notifications without explanation tells her that something elsewhere is more interesting.
Don't secretly photograph her, post pictures without checking or inspect her social accounts across the table. You're on a date, not conducting surveillance.
When she speaks, listen to the full answer rather than merely waiting for your own turn to deliver a dazzling anecdote. The difference is surprisingly noticeable.
Be courteous to the people around you
There is a moment that reveals more about a man than his watch, salary and entire collection of motivational podcasts combined: the moment something goes wrong with the food.
Perhaps the order is late. Perhaps the coffee arrives lukewarm. A polite request to put things right is perfectly reasonable. Snapping at a member of staff because the chips are taking longer than expected is embarrassing and unnecessary.
The same standard applies to bar staff, taxi drivers and anyone else you meet during the evening. Please and thank you cost nothing. So does patience when a busy restaurant is clearly doing its best.
Don't mistake throwing money around for good manners. An extravagant tip delivered with a sneer is still a sneer. Nor should you try to impress her by telling every employee within range how important you are.
A person who's kind when nobody important is watching is worth rather more than a person who's charming only across the table.
Forget the interrogation, but don't deliver a monologue either
First dates sometimes become elaborate exercises in turn-taking. She asks about your work. You answer for eleven minutes, beginning with your first paper round and continuing through your views on middle management. She asks about your family. You provide a diagram.
Before long, the poor woman has obtained enough information to write your biography but still hasn't had a chance to tell you what made her laugh this week.
Ask questions because you're curious, not because you've memorised a list. Follow the things she mentions. If she says she once lived in Lisbon, you can ask what took her there or what she misses about it. You can then share something related from your own life.
A conversation should move naturally between you. People tend to feel heard when you respond to what they actually said, rather than immediately turning the spotlight back onto yourself.
That doesn't mean peppering her with questions until the waitress offers to provide a legal representative. Share your views, stories and peculiarities. Give her something to get to know too.
Handle disagreements like a grown man
She doesn't support your football team. She believes your favourite film is nonsense. She orders something you consider a culinary crime. Marvellous: you've discovered she's an independent human being.
You can disagree and still be entertaining. "I'm afraid we may have to call the authorities over your opinion of that film" is plainly a joke. A lecture on why she is objectively wrong, backed by seventeen examples and a spreadsheet, is less alluring.
If politics, religion or another serious subject arises, listen and answer honestly. You needn't feign agreement to secure another date. But neither should you turn a romantic meeting into a television debate in which the loudest contestant wins a trophy.
A difference of opinion may reveal genuine incompatibility, and that's useful information. It needn't become an argument. Some topics deserve a thoughtful conversation, not a raised voice and an audience from the next table.
Drinking, flirting and the importance of reading the room
A glass of wine or a pint can be a pleasant part of a date. It should not become your entire coping strategy.
Drink at a pace you're comfortable with, respect her choice whether or not to drink, and avoid encouraging her to have another when she's said no. If either of you is getting too tipsy to judge the situation clearly, slow things down or call it an evening.
Flirting belongs on a date, naturally. A little warmth, humour and playful teasing may be the very reason you're both smiling. But flirtation is an invitation for her to join in, not an obligation to put up with your material.
If she laughs and teases back, the exchange may be finding its feet. If her smile disappears, she pulls away or she changes the subject, change course. Respect for someone's boundaries isn't the enemy of charm; it's part of it.
Don't treat physical contact as a sequence of manoeuvres to complete. Ask when necessary, notice whether she's at ease, and never assume that accepting a date means consenting to a kiss or anything beyond it.
Who pays on a first date?
Ah, the bill. The little rectangle of paper capable of transforming two perfectly pleasant adults into rival economic theorists.
There isn't a universal rule that will suit every couple. Some women appreciate a man offering to pay, particularly if he invited them. Others strongly prefer to split the cost. Some would rather take turns when they're seeing each other regularly.
You can offer once without making a grand production: "I'd be happy to get this, if you'd like." If she prefers to split it, accept graciously. Don't argue, sulk or announce that modern dating has collapsed.
If you suggested an expensive venue, don't create an awkward surprise at the end by expecting her to cover a cost she didn't choose. Better still, pick somewhere sensible from the beginning.
And whatever happens, payment buys dinner, not a kiss, her personal details or the right to see her again. That seems obvious, but the world has produced men who apparently need it written in the sky.
Chivalry works best when it leaves room for choice
Holding a door for somebody, offering your coat when it's genuinely cold, or walking on the outside of a pavement can be thoughtful gestures. They can also become rather silly if you insist upon them regardless of her preferences.
Open the door because it's polite, not because you're expecting applause. If she reaches it first and holds it for you, thank her and walk through. Civilisation will survive.
Likewise, don't order for her unless she's specifically asked you to. Don't put your hand on her back to steer her through crowds unless that contact is welcome. Don't insist on escorting her home when she'd rather make her own way.
Real consideration involves asking what another person would like, not merely acting out a gentlemanly scene from a black-and-white film.
The finest manners feel almost invisible. Things are simply easier because you're paying attention.
Ending the date with class
When the date comes to a natural close, resist the temptation to make the farewell carry the full emotional weight of an opera.
If you've enjoyed yourself, tell her plainly. "That was lovely. I'd like to see you again" is a sentence with tremendous practical value. If she seems keen, you can suggest another date. If she doesn't, wish her a good evening and leave matters there.
If you don't feel a romantic connection, there's no need to invent a future together to avoid a moment's awkwardness. Be warm and courteous without promising to arrange something you'll never intend to arrange.
You may offer to check she gets home safely, but let her decide whether she'd like to keep in touch that evening. She's capable of arranging her own journey.
A good date isn't defined by a dramatic goodbye. Quite often, it's simply two people who felt at ease, shared a laugh and treated each other well.
The useful thing about good first-date etiquette is that you don't have to remember a hundred rules. Turn up. Pay attention. Be considerate. Have some personality. Don't make anybody feel pressured or small.
In other words, gentlemen, be the sort of man you'd be pleased to encounter yourself. Just preferably wearing a nicer shirt, and without narrating every time you hold a door.