To compliment a woman without focusing on her looks, mention something specific you've genuinely noticed about her choices, abilities, humour, ideas or the way she treats people. Explain the detail that impressed you, say it naturally and allow her to respond without demanding anything back. "You told that story brilliantly" has more meaning than a grand declaration that she's the most incredible human you've ever encountered—especially if you've only just met.
Of course, I am a man who appreciates an excellent pair of sunglasses. I also appreciate a person who can repair a vintage radio, tell a splendid story or outwit an entire table at cards.
There is rather a lot to notice once you stop treating a date as a fashion parade.
Compliment what you've actually seen
The quickest way to make a compliment sound false is to praise a quality you have no evidence for.
You meet a woman at a dinner party and after four minutes tell her she's extraordinarily compassionate, wise, brave and unlike anyone you've ever known.
How would you know? Have you secretly administered an examination?
Instead, find one honest detail.
She has just explained a complicated subject in a way everybody understood: "You're very good at making that sound simple."
She handled a difficult group decision without becoming impatient: "I liked how calmly you dealt with that."
She recommended a film that turned out to be excellent: "That recommendation was spot on. You have good taste in mysteries."
A compliment is not a substitute for getting to know her. It is an observation made possible by paying attention.
The detail matters more than the adjective
"You're amazing" might be heartfelt in a long relationship. On a first date, it's usually too vague to tell her what you enjoyed.
Compare two ways of complimenting a woman who has been telling a story about a family holiday.
"You're so interesting."
"You describe your family holidays so vividly. I could practically see your uncle driving the wrong way round that roundabout."
The second works because it refers to something she actually shared. It also gives the conversation somewhere to go.
She may laugh and tell you the uncle has not been allowed near a rental car since.
Don't feel obliged to attach a complicated explanation to every kind remark. Sometimes "That was a good point" is plenty. The question is whether you mean it.
Compliment her choices rather than judging her whole personality
You don't have to diagnose a woman's character to appreciate her decisions.
Perhaps she chose a fascinating restaurant, planned a thoughtful birthday surprise or found a clever solution to a problem.
"I'd never have thought of doing it that way. That was smart."
"You picked a cracking place. The food's excellent."
"That's a lovely idea for your friend's birthday."
Those comments appreciate what she did. They don't claim to know everything about who she is.
She may be delighted to talk about the effort she put into the choice. Or she may say thank you and move on. Either response is perfectly fine.
And if you don't honestly like her choice, don't compliment it. A little respectful disagreement is better than a pile of manufactured praise.
Notice skills and interests without turning into a judge
A woman tells you she's learning to play the piano after many years away from music.
You might ask how she chose the instrument, what she's practising and whether she'd always wanted to return to it.
If she shows you a short recording, you can say, "You've got a lovely feel for that piece" if you truly think so.
Avoid being condescending about achievements in a field you know little about. "You're surprisingly good at fixing cars for a woman" isn't praise. It's an embarrassing admission about your expectations.
The same applies to her career, business or interests. Ask how she approaches something. Appreciate the work or imagination you've witnessed, not your own astonishment that she managed it.
She doesn't need you to award a certificate. She may simply enjoy knowing that you listened.
How to compliment her sense of humour
Humour is a particularly enjoyable thing to acknowledge because you can be specific about the exchange itself.
She invents a wonderfully dry response to a ridiculous announcement at the station.
"That was magnificent. The timing was perfect."
Or she makes a joke that takes you by surprise: "I was not ready for that. You've caught me completely off guard."
Say it once. Then laugh, respond or carry on.
Don't immediately order a repeat performance. "Go on, say something funny again" turns an amusing woman into a hired entertainer.
There's a whole separate Monty File on complimenting someone's sense of humour naturally, including how to appreciate quiet wit and tell her you enjoy laughing together.
Kindness is worth noticing—but don't invent it
She patiently helps a newcomer find their way around a social event. You might say later, "It was thoughtful of you to make sure he wasn't left on his own."
She remembers that a friend needed help getting home. "That was considerate."
Those are lovely things to appreciate because they refer to real actions.
But don't manufacture a test of her kindness. And avoid rushing from one good deed to announcing she has a heart of gold and ought to be the mother of your children.
An early compliment can remain modest. You are allowed to take time discovering the larger person.
In a long relationship, a partner may appreciate hearing that you see the care she shows over weeks and years. That's a different context from a first coffee date.
What makes a compliment romantic rather than simply polite?
It isn't necessarily the adjective. Often it's the surrounding interaction.
"I like how easily we talk about things" said warmly on a date can express attraction.
"I've been looking forward to hearing your opinion all week" can too, especially if you've been exchanging messages.
You don't need to manufacture romantic tension through a mysterious look or a deliberate pause. Be genuinely pleased to be with her.
And when you'd like to make the meaning clearer, say it: "I enjoy spending time with you. Would you like to meet again?"
A compliment can help her understand why you appreciate her, but it should not carry the entire burden of making your intentions known.
Compliments that sound like insults in disguise
Some remarks look flattering until you examine them.
"You're not like other women" implies there's something wrong with other women.
"You're clever as well as attractive" suggests intelligence was an unexpected bonus.
"You're quite confident for someone who works in that job" sneaks in an insult to her profession.
"You're so much more fun than my ex" drags an absent person into an unwanted contest.
You can convey the genuine part without the sting.
"I like your sense of humour."
"You explained that beautifully."
"I'm having a good time with you."
No comparison required.
Don't give a compliment that secretly asks for reassurance either. "I suppose you wouldn't say the same about me" makes her responsible for repairing your nerves.
Complimenting a woman you just met
Keep the scope as small as the amount you know.
At a group quiz, she makes an excellent deduction: "Good spot. I missed that clue completely."
At a food market, she gives you an interesting recommendation: "That's a useful tip. You clearly know your way around these stalls."
If you've barely exchanged two sentences, grand declarations about how special she is will probably sound peculiar.
Avoid interrupting her task or trapping her in conversation simply to deliver praise. At work, on public transport or in a queue, she may have no wish to start a romantic conversation at all.
A compliment isn't permission to keep her there.
On a first date, resist the compliment avalanche
You find her charming. Splendid. But if every second sentence is praise, she may begin to wonder whether you're listening to anything other than your own romantic commentary.
Let the conversation unfold.
She tells you about a difficult project at work. Ask what made it difficult. Learn what she enjoyed. If something impresses you, say so.
Then tell her a story about yourself or ask a natural follow-up. You don't have to insert a compliment into every topic.
A date is not a performance review with consistently excellent marks.
For wider guidance on pacing a date, see how to flirt on a first date.
Giving a compliment by text
Messages make it easy to sound more dramatic than you intended because the reader can't hear your tone.
Keep your message tied to something real.
"That photo of the model you built is brilliant. How long did it take?"
"I was thinking about your story from last night. The bit about the disastrous wedding speech still makes me laugh."
"You were right about the restaurant. I'm now firmly on your side in the great dumpling debate."
You can enjoy a running joke, but avoid sending compliments in rapid succession because she's slow to respond.
A message isn't a bill she owes immediate payment on. If she wants to keep talking, give the exchange room to develop.
How to respond when she brushes off the compliment
Some people feel awkward receiving praise. Others think the remark is exaggerated, or they simply don't want that sort of attention.
If she says, "Oh, it wasn't anything special," you can smile and say, "I thought it was good."
Then move on. Don't argue until she accepts your judgment.
If she looks uncomfortable or changes the subject, follow the change. If she directly asks you not to make a certain kind of remark, respect that.
A successful compliment is not one she has been persuaded to agree with. It's one you offered kindly, without strings.
When appearance is not the issue
There is no universal rule that admiring someone's appearance is always wrong. In an established, affectionate relationship, a sincere "You look lovely" may be welcome. On an early date, it depends on the person and situation.
The purpose of nonappearance compliments isn't to prove that you're morally superior to men who mention a dress.
It's to notice that a woman is more than her reflection, and that admiration can be interesting, accurate and personal.
Nor should you pretend romantic attraction doesn't exist. You can appreciate her choices and personality while making it clear you're interested in seeing her again.
For flirting that avoids appearance praise altogether, rather than replacing it with other sorts of compliments, see how to flirt without using compliments about appearance.
A compliment worth remembering
Suppose you're at a vintage-car event and get talking to a woman who has rebuilt a motorcycle engine herself.
An easy mistake is to admire the shiny paintwork while assuming somebody else did the mechanical work. Ask about the project instead.
"Which part was the hardest to get working?"
If she tells you how long it took to diagnose a wiring fault, you have the chance to appreciate the actual achievement: "That sounds painstaking. You must have learnt a great deal getting it right."
Then listen to what she tells you. Don't add a speech about how extraordinary she is for being a woman who understands engines.
The same principle works if she's designed an exhibition, organised a community project or learnt to play an instrument. Notice the work she chose to do. Ask about what interested her. Compliment a real detail if it impresses you.
You won't always find yourself offering a compliment. Sometimes the better response is a thoughtful question. Nobody is owed an assessment at the end of a conversation.
What matters is that your admiration has something genuine behind it. If you'd like to turn that sort of interest into better dates, Monty's free 7 Secrets to Becoming a Babe Magnet is ready for you.