Flirting naturally is ordinary conversation with a little extra warmth. Smile, show genuine curiosity, share a light joke and notice whether she gives that energy back. You don't need a memorised opening line; the best flirting responds to the person in front of you, not an imaginary audience.
There is a particular sort of gentleman who approaches a woman as if he is about to launch a new kitchen appliance. He has memorised his opening line. He has perfected a mysterious expression in the bathroom mirror. He has rehearsed leaning against a wall. Unfortunately, the wall is further away than he thought, so his entrance ends with an undignified lurch beside the coat stand.
I'd like to rescue flirting from the people who have turned it into a competitive sport involving scripts, tactics and a distressing amount of advice about where to put your hands.
Good flirting is neither a performance nor a campaign to persuade someone to like you. It's a conversation with a little extra warmth and a suggestion that you'd enjoy knowing each other in a more interesting capacity. You show your interest. She has plenty of room to show hers—or not. If the feeling is mutual, the conversation acquires its own rather delightful electricity.
If not, you can both go home without anybody wishing they'd escaped through a bathroom window.
That is what we're after.
Forget the perfect opening line. Notice what's happening.
Imagine you're at a friend's birthday. A woman is examining a cake that looks as though the baker has had a personal disagreement with gravity.
You could stroll over and announce, “Excuse me, are you a magician? Because everyone else disappears when I look at you.”
Or you could say, “I'm trying to decide whether that's a birthday cake or a planning application.”
The second gives her something real to respond to. She might laugh and defend the cake. She might confess she made it, in which case you will have some explaining to do. Either way, you've begun an actual conversation rather than forcing her to deliver a verdict on your romantic sales pitch.
Don't make comments merely to fill silence. Observe something genuinely interesting or amusing. Your opening doesn't need to dazzle. It needs to leave the other person a comfortable way in.
And if she gives a short answer, turns away or seems busy, let the conversation end. You haven't failed. You've simply met someone who doesn't want to chat at that moment.
Flirting is conversation with a little more intention
Most men know how to ask ordinary questions. “What do you do?” “Where are you from?” “How do you know the birthday boy?”
Perfectly serviceable, but deliver all three in succession and you'll begin to sound like a bank's security department.
Instead, follow the interesting bit of an answer.
She says she spent the weekend learning to sail. You ask whether she loved it or merely survived. She explains that the instructor was wonderfully patient while she steered towards a buoy the size of a garden shed. You tell her you'd have insisted on a captain's hat and then immediately lost it overboard.
Now you're swapping reactions, opinions and personalities. That's where attraction has a chance to appear.
Flirting adds a gentle suggestion that your attention is personal. Perhaps you say, “You make a shipwreck sound like an excellent afternoon.” Or, when she admits she's hopeless at directions, “Remind me never to let you navigate us out of London.”
The words themselves aren't magic. A warm tone, a smile and genuine curiosity do much of the work.
Give compliments she'll enjoy receiving
A compliment is rather like cologne. A little, thoughtfully applied, can be lovely. Pouring half the bottle over somebody is a criminal misuse of the product.
If you've only just met, a compliment about something she chose or did often lands more comfortably than a declaration about her body. You might admire her sense of humour, her bold earrings, her unusual taste in music, the way she tells a story, or how confidently she tackled an unexpected problem.
“That's a brilliant jacket. You look as though you've just inherited a jazz club.”
“Your description of that holiday has made me want to book it—and avoid the hotel you used.”
“I like how enthusiastic you get when you talk about your work.”
Notice that these are specific. They couldn't have been fired at any stranger standing within a ten-foot radius.
And don't attach an invoice to your kindness. A compliment is a gift, not a deposit towards a phone number. If she says thank you and changes the subject, follow her lead.
Tease gently, never to establish who's superior
A little playful disagreement can create delicious chemistry. The key word is playful.
Suppose she announces that pineapple is the finest pizza topping ever invented. You may respond with theatrical horror. You may inquire whether her family knows. You may offer, with mock solemnity, to help her find a respectable Italian restaurant.
What you shouldn't do is call her stupid, mock something she's insecure about or pretend her opinions make her beneath you.
There's a school of dating advice that treats small insults as some mysterious weapon of attraction. I can think of many descriptions for that approach, but none fit for the dinner table.
The finest teasing is an invitation to play. She gives as good as she gets; you both enjoy the exchange; and the moment either of you stops enjoying it, the game ends.
Aim the joke at the harmless situation or an absurd difference between you, not a vulnerability. If you're unsure how she'll take it, err on the side of kindness. You're flirting, not conducting a roast at the village hall.
Be interested rather than trying to be interesting every second
Some men believe they must provide an uninterrupted programme of entertaining material. Childhood triumphs! Travel disasters! Their controversial theory about supermarket layouts!
Eventually, the poor woman would need a programme interval just to ask a question.
A better approach is to let the conversation breathe. Listen properly. Ask about the details that genuinely catch your attention. Disagree when you mean it, without turning it into a courtroom dispute. Reveal something of yourself instead of merely interrogating her.
You don't need impressive possessions or a catalogue of exotic weekends. If you spent Sunday repairing a bicycle and discovered that one missing bolt can turn an adult man into a philosopher of despair, tell the story well. A person who enjoys his life is far more engaging than a man frantically advertising it.
And allow a little silence. Two people smiling over their drinks is not a national emergency requiring a joke within three seconds.
Give her room to flirt back
This may be the most overlooked skill of all.
You say something lightly affectionate. She responds warmly and introduces a joke of her own. You continue. Splendid. There's give and take.
But if she answers politely without returning the personal warmth, don't keep increasing the volume like a man struggling to be heard over a lawnmower. Ease back into ordinary conversation or let it finish.
Flirting ought to feel optional. That's what makes it enjoyable. Nobody has to keep up, explain herself or prove that she appreciates your magnificent presence.
As for touching, you don't need a strategy involving elbows, knees and carefully timed contact. Keep your hands to yourself unless closeness is clearly mutual and welcome. When in doubt, ask rather than assume.
What if you're shy or terrible at flirting?
Lower the stakes. The first aim isn't to secure a date, kiss or declaration of eternal fascination. It's to share a pleasant conversation with an attractive person and see whether you enjoy each other.
If you're nervous, begin with three things you can actually control: approach at an appropriate moment, make one genuine observation, and listen to the response. That's enough to get started.
You may stumble over a word. You may tell a joke that requires an explanatory committee. You may forget what you were saying and laugh at yourself. Provided you're considerate, these are ordinary human moments, not romantic catastrophes.
Trying to conceal every trace of nerves often makes you more wooden. You are allowed to be a man who's pleased to meet a woman and slightly flustered by the experience. You are not required to resemble a champagne advertisement.
Can you flirt over text without sounding ridiculous?
Yes, though I advise against treating your phone as an arena for competitive cleverness.
Texting works best when it continues something already enjoyable between you. Refer back to a shared joke. Send a photograph of a spectacularly bad shop sign because you both laughed about one. Ask how the event she mentioned went. Offer a proper plan when it feels natural.
If she told you she was attempting to bake a lemon tart, “Have the fire brigade stood down yet?” may be funnier—and more personal—than a copy-and-paste line about how beautiful her eyes are.
Don't send five follow-ups because she hasn't replied. Don't manufacture jealousy by mentioning other women. Don't pretend indifference as a calculated manoeuvre, then panic when she believes you.
And don't mistake a string of messages for progress if neither of you is actually arranging to meet. When there seems to be mutual interest, suggest a date instead of keeping the conversation trapped inside a glowing rectangle.
Choose the moment carefully
A woman chatting happily at a party and a woman rushing to catch the final train are not in the same situation. Neither are someone enjoying a social event and someone obliged to serve you coffee at work.
Consider whether she can comfortably decline or walk away. Don't corner people, interrupt headphones, trail someone down the street or make persistence your personality. A professional smile from a bartender is part of the service; it is not an entry in your romantic ledger.
This isn't the death of romance. It's the reason a welcome flirt feels so different from an unwelcome one: both people are choosing to participate.
Know when to stop flirting and ask for a date
You've been chatting for twenty minutes. The conversation has wandered through terrible films, childhood holidays and an impassioned argument over which biscuit belongs in a cup of tea. She's been laughing, contributing and asking questions. You've enjoyed yourself enormously.
Excellent. You don't need another fifteen minutes of proving you're amusing.
Try: “I've really enjoyed talking to you. Would you fancy coffee with me this weekend?”
Clear, warm, and blissfully free of theatrical nonsense.
If she says yes, arrange the practical details. If she's uncertain, leave her room to decide. If she says no, smile, thank her for the conversation and leave it there. A graceful exit is worth more than any rehearsed line.
Most importantly, do not treat an invitation as the final move in an elaborate manipulation. You're offering the chance to get to know each other better. The answer is hers to give.
The Monty method, if you insist on giving it a name
Look up from your script. Notice the person in front of you. Say something worth answering. Enjoy yourself. Let her enjoy herself. Make your interest known without demanding anything in return.
That's really the whole secret, although it will come as bitter news to gentlemen who have bought an expensive course teaching them to stand imposingly beside the drinks table.
Good flirting makes two people feel a little more alive in each other's company. There's curiosity in it, kindness in it and, with luck, a deliciously wicked sense of humour.
You cannot guarantee that somebody will fancy you. Nor should you want a method that claims to. What you can do is become a more enjoyable, attentive and straightforward man to meet.
Which is an excellent use of an evening, even if you never get near the coat stand again.