FIRST-DATECONFIDENCE

Before you leave: remove the ridiculous obstacles

There are nerves you cannot completely avoid and problems you can prevent by simple preparation.

Know where you're going. Check the address and opening hours. Work out how you'll get home. Arrive with enough time that you aren't running down the street with one shoe half undone.

Wear clothes that fit, are clean and make you feel like an agreeable version of yourself. Don't buy an extravagant outfit you can't sit down in. Your shirt should not require a technical team to fasten it.

Check that you've got a payment method and enough money for your own share, as appropriate to the arrangements. Don't make grand financial promises to impress her.

If you've chosen a noisy bar but find it difficult to hear people, suggest somewhere more comfortable. You're not auditioning for a reputation as a man who enjoys enormous speakers.

None of this guarantees a brilliant evening. It simply leaves more of your attention available for the person you're meeting.

Practical competence is a quiet sort of confidence. It rarely announces itself, but it makes life considerably easier.

The thirty seconds when your nerves misbehave

You're waiting outside the caf?. Your stomach is staging a particularly ambitious circus, and you've reconsidered your haircut three times.

Instead of appointing yourself a fearless international playboy, concentrate on the first actual thing the evening requires: saying hello to a woman you've been looking forward to meeting.

Make sure you're by the correct entrance. Put the telephone away once you've confirmed the arrangements. You don't need to summon a dazzling remark while she is still crossing the street.

When she arrives, smile. ?Lovely to see you. Did you find it all right?? is a splendid start.

Then give the evening a better question than ?How will I make her fancy me?? Ask yourself what you'd like to discover about this particular woman. Perhaps it's the story behind her wonderfully strange hobby. Perhaps it's what she finds funny.

You can discover those things by allowing her to answer, rather than giving yourself an impossible performance to complete before the drinks arrive.

First-date confidence starts with a proper hello

Some men believe they need to establish irresistible charm in the first sentence.

Nonsense. A warm greeting is enough.

“Lovely to meet you. Did you find the place all right?”

If you're already acquainted, refer to something natural: “Good to see you again. I hope your week has improved since the great printer disaster.”

Smile if it feels natural. Make comfortable eye contact without staring as though trying to read the serial number on her pupils.

You can offer a sincere compliment about her style or how nice it is to see her. Avoid turning the first meeting into an extended review of her body.

And then—this is the crucial bit—allow her to speak.

The man who launches into an uninterrupted speech about his achievements may appear confident from across the room. From the opposite chair, he often resembles a podcast that cannot be paused.

Being at ease with somebody includes letting them contribute.

Don't arrive carrying an imaginary scoreboard

You have not come to the date to demonstrate that you possess eight of the twelve characteristics women supposedly desire.

You have come to meet one particular woman.

Perhaps you'll find her funny but discover you want different things. Perhaps she won't feel a spark. Perhaps you'll both want to meet again. None of those outcomes is a universal verdict on your worth.

Confidence becomes much easier when you're not treating the date as a tribunal.

Notice whether you enjoy the conversation. Does she seem considerate? Are you both comfortable disagreeing about small things? Do you have a similar idea of what you'd like from dating?

When you ask yourself these questions, you're no longer a contestant waiting for the judges to announce a score.

You're a participant.

This does not mean becoming detached or pretending that you don't care. It means allowing another person to have her preferences while retaining yours.

What to do when the conversation goes flat

At some point, a pause is likely. It may last four seconds. Under the influence of nerves, it will feel like three winters.

There is no need to summon the emergency jokes.

Look at something you've already discussed. If she mentioned a hobby, ask how she became interested in it. If you've been talking about holidays, ask what she enjoyed about a particular place.

You can also comment naturally on the setting. “I rather like this little place. Have you been here before?”

Or simply allow a moment of silence while you both take a drink.

Conversation isn't a machine that must keep producing words. A little quiet can be perfectly comfortable, especially if neither person makes it an occasion for alarm.

Don't ask increasingly personal questions merely to fill the space. The fact that you are both holding coffee cups does not entitle you to a full history of her previous relationships.

And please avoid treating every pause as proof that she finds you boring. She may be thinking, eating or deciding whether to order pudding.

The most underrated trick: give your attention away

If you spend a date monitoring the angle of your smile, the position of your hands and the imagined effect of every sentence, you will miss the woman sitting opposite you.

Instead, listen.

If she says she has recently moved house, ask what she likes about the new neighbourhood. If she mentions a job she finds frustrating, don't immediately deliver a business improvement plan. Find out what she actually means.

Your own stories matter too. Offer something of yourself rather than asking twenty questions in succession. A lively conversation moves in both directions.

Imagine she tells you that she volunteers at an animal rescue. You respond with a story about attempting to bathe a very determined dog. Perhaps she laughs and asks what happened. Lovely. You've connected two experiences rather than performed a memorised routine.

That is a more enjoyable use of your faculties than silently reviewing your facial expressions.

If you say something foolish, recover like a normal person

Suppose you call her by the wrong name. You should apologise and correct yourself, promptly and sincerely. That is not the moment for an elaborate joke about how many women you date.

Suppose you mispronounce a word or accidentally knock over a spoon. Laugh gently if it's funny, put things right and carry on.

If you make a joke that lands badly, don't blame her for not understanding your genius. “Sorry, that was clumsy” is sufficient.

Many awkward moments become worse because somebody insists on reliving them.

A little self-awareness is charming. An hour-long apology tour is exhausting.

The confident man isn't necessarily the one who never makes mistakes. He's often the one who takes responsibility without making the entire evening revolve around his embarrassment.

When she's a little awkward as well

You're not the only human being at the table. She might arrive with a story that takes three attempts to tell, laugh at the wrong moment or confess she's never been to this restaurant before.

Don't immediately turn yourself into her official instructor in confidence. Nobody requested a lecture, and you have a date to enjoy.

Perhaps you can laugh together about the baffling menu. Perhaps she's pleased when you suggest moving away from the enormous speakers. Maybe she simply wants to chat about the book she's reading.

Ask what would make the evening pleasant for both of you. ?It's wonderfully lively in here, but I can barely hear you. Shall we find somewhere quieter?? gives her a choice without appointing you commander of the operation.

She doesn't need to behave like a glamorous television presenter. Neither do you. Two people sharing a slightly muddled first fifteen minutes may find themselves getting along beautifully once they stop treating awkwardness as something that must be corrected immediately.

Don't mistake confidence for pressure

Here is where bad dating advice is particularly tiresome.

It claims that a confident man must take control of every decision, initiate physical affection without checking, and never reveal uncertainty.

What a dreadful dinner companion that would make.

Genuine confidence is compatible with asking, “Would you prefer to sit inside?” or “Can I give you a hug goodbye?” It is compatible with hearing no without sulking. It is compatible with admitting you don't know something.

You can take initiative while leaving choices open.

“I know a lovely café nearby. Would you fancy trying it?”

You can be flirtatious without being invasive. You can be bold enough to say you're enjoying her company without demanding that she say the same thing.

If she doesn't want to continue, accept it graciously. Nobody has ever become more charming by arguing with a boundary.

What to say at the end, whether it went brilliantly or not

If you enjoyed yourself and want another date, try something straightforward.

“That was a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Shall we plan something else together?”

If she's enthusiastic, wonderful. You can arrange the details later.

If she isn't interested, thank her for being honest and leave with your dignity intact.

If you're unsure about your own feelings, don't offer promises merely to escape an awkward goodbye. “Thank you, I've enjoyed meeting you” is warm and truthful without committing you to something you haven't decided.

You do not need a dramatic kiss, an expensive surprise or a declaration beneath the streetlights to establish that the evening has been worthwhile.

It's enough to have treated each other well and discovered a little more about whether you suit one another.

The ten-minute review that won't ruin your night

When you get home, resist the temptation to analyse every gesture until two in the morning.

You can ask yourself three useful questions.

Did I behave like myself, as far as nerves allowed? Did I learn something real about her? Would I like to see her again?

That's quite enough for one evening.

If something genuinely went wrong—perhaps you interrupted too much or told a joke you'd rather not repeat—learn from it without constructing a lifelong identity around it.

Avoid trying to determine whether she liked you based on the length of her goodbye hug or how long she spent choosing a dessert.

If you want another date, communicate. If she wants one too, the answer will become clearer through what you both choose next.

The confidence worth taking through the door

Let me return you to the restaurant and that troublesome pepper grinder.

You arrived with your stomach performing acrobatics. You greeted a woman you wanted to know better. You asked questions, offered stories, perhaps stumbled once or twice, and discovered whether you enjoyed the time together.

That is a successful act of courage regardless of whether romance follows.

Confidence is not a costume you borrow from somebody who appears smoother, louder or more experienced. It is the freedom to be present while the outcome remains uncertain.

So check the address, wear a shirt that allows you to breathe, and give the woman across the table your genuine attention.

And when the waiter asks whether you want sparkling water, remember: you are allowed to say “tap.”

A gentleman need not be defeated by bubbles.