If a woman is so attractive that you struggle to speak to her, stop treating her looks as evidence that she's beyond your reach. Notice something you can genuinely talk about, say hello in an ordinary way, and pay attention to whether she enjoys the exchange. Give her the same courtesy and curiosity you would give anyone else. You cannot control whether she'll fancy you, but you can stop deciding the answer for her before either of you has spoken.
I once watched a grown man abandon a conversation with a perfectly delightful woman because, in his own words, she was “far too beautiful”.
He hadn't asked her out. He hadn't even managed to say hello.
She'd simply walked into the room wearing a black evening dress, and he'd concluded that her presence required a man with a private jet and an Italian surname.
The poor devil, named Sebastian, was a talented chef. He was funny, generous, excellent company and capable of producing a lemon tart so splendid it ought to have received a civic award.
But if he fancied a woman, he immediately promoted her from human being to distant goddess.
“Monty,” he whispered, “look at her.”
“I have,” I replied.
“She could have absolutely anyone.”
“An impressive talent,” I said, “if true. Has she actually told you that?”
Naturally, she hadn't. His entire romantic defeat had been organised without her participation.
Stop awarding her a crown before you've met
The trouble begins when physical attraction turns into a collection of assumptions.
You see a woman you find beautiful and decide she must be extremely confident, surrounded by admirers, accustomed to luxury and entirely uninterested in someone like you.
Perhaps she's confident. Perhaps she isn't. Perhaps she loves extravagant parties. Perhaps she'd much rather spend Sunday afternoon browsing a second-hand bookshop.
You simply don't know.
An attractive woman has preferences, opinions, irritating habits, favourite biscuits, bad mornings and probably a drawer containing at least three completely useless charging cables.
She may be looking for charm and kindness. She may adore intellectual conversation. She may prefer somebody athletic, artistic, ridiculous or quietly funny. She may not be interested in dating at all.
Until you meet her, the only thing you actually know is that you find her attractive.
That's an excellent reason to be curious. It's a poor reason to start inventing the rest of her life.
Don't make your first words a declaration of defeat
Some men approach a beautiful woman as though apologising for taking up space.
“Sorry to bother you, I know you probably get this all the time, and you might have a boyfriend, and I wouldn't normally do this, but—”
The unfortunate woman hasn't even had the opportunity to decide whether she wants a conversation.
There is nothing wrong with being considerate. You should notice whether the situation is appropriate and whether she seems open to talking.
But you can begin simply.
At a gallery: “What do you think of this painting? I can't decide whether I love it or whether it needs rescuing.”
At a friend's party: “I'm Sebastian. How do you know the hosts?”
At a book launch: “Have you read the author's earlier one? I keep hearing opposite opinions.”
These are invitations to an ordinary exchange, not tricks that compel a response. If she answers briefly and turns away, leave her be. If she joins the conversation, carry on.
You do not need an opening statement declaring her superior social rank.
Have something else to notice besides her appearance
Physical attraction may be what catches your attention, but conversation usually needs another place to go.
Ask something appropriate to the moment. Find out whether she likes the music, how she knows the host, what she thinks of the food, or what brought her to the event.
Then actually listen.
Don't ask about her work only to spend the entire answer thinking, “Good heavens, those eyes.”
Sebastian once managed to tell me that a woman was interested in architecture because he'd heard her mention “some sort of building”. Her actual story, which he hadn't listened to, involved rescuing a broken-down motorbike.
That is a remarkably expensive loss of conversational information.
You may compliment her appearance at a suitable moment if the exchange has become warm. But repeatedly admiring her beauty tells her very little about whether you might enjoy spending time together.
Interest becomes more personal when you notice how she thinks, laughs and interacts with you.
Remember that you are choosing as well
Here's the extraordinary thing about intimidation: it can make a man forget that he has preferences.
He is so eager to be selected by the beautiful woman that he neglects to discover whether she is pleasant company.
Does she ask you anything? Do you enjoy her humour? Does she treat people well? Are you comfortable being yourself around her?
Your job isn't to persuade the finest-looking woman in the room to award you a prize. It's to find out whether two people might enjoy each other's company.
A woman can be breathtaking and incompatible with you. Another may not catch your eye immediately but become increasingly attractive as you get to know her.
You don't need to settle either question before the first conversation has even begun.
Sebastian, for example, cared deeply about cooking and wanted somebody who enjoyed sharing meals. He would have been miserable with a woman who expected all his free evenings to be spent in nightclubs, however magnificent she looked.
He'd never considered that his own preferences counted.
What if other men are competing for her attention?
You arrive at a party. Several men are making her laugh. One has an extremely expensive watch. Another appears to have spent the afternoon lifting furniture for recreational purposes.
You may be tempted to stand nearby, calculating your chances like a bookmaker.
Stop.
You don't know who those men are. They might be friends, colleagues, cousins or fellows with absolutely no romantic interest.
If she is already engaged in a conversation, don't interrupt merely to stake a claim. Speak to other people and enjoy the event. If you meet her naturally and she seems pleased to talk, wonderful.
You also don't need to compete by boasting. Claiming you ski in St Moritz when your last winter holiday was a damp weekend in Blackpool is unlikely to make the evening easier.
The difference between you and the loudest man there could be exactly what she finds interesting.
Or not. Either way, a fabricated contest tells you nothing useful.
Sebastian and the spectacular seafood disaster
I persuaded Sebastian to attend a small food festival where the woman from the party, Clara, was giving a short talk about ceramics used in restaurants.
“She's bound to be surrounded,” he said.
“She is giving a talk about plates,” I replied. “This is not the coronation.”
When the talk finished, Sebastian approached to ask about a shallow ceramic dish she'd shown. His restaurant had been searching for something similar.
That was enough. She explained the process and asked about his kitchen. For several minutes they spoke enthusiastically about why a beautiful plate can be an absolute nuisance to a working chef.
Then Sebastian, growing bold, tried to tell a joke about oysters. It was quite dreadful. So dreadful that I felt obliged to look away.
Clara laughed anyway, though I suspect the joke itself was not entirely responsible.
They talked again beside a stall selling bread. Before leaving, Sebastian suggested meeting for a coffee on the following Saturday.
She said she'd enjoy that.
Notice that none of this involved a secret technique for “high-value women”. Sebastian had a genuine reason to speak with her, an interest of his own and the nerve to offer a simple invitation.
His dreadful oyster joke remained the weakest part of the performance.
When she seems interested, don't become someone else
Perhaps she smiles warmly, asks what you're doing next weekend and lingers after her friends have gone.
An intimidated man may suddenly transform into a boastful one, convinced he must justify her attention.
He mentions the car he once considered buying. He carefully explains his earning potential. He agrees with every one of her opinions and offers to abandon his previously cherished hobby of fishing.
Don't.
If she seems attracted to you, let her find out what you're actually like. Speak about things you enjoy. Disagree lightly when you have a different view. Make a plan that suits you both.
Being impressed by a woman isn't the same as being obliged to impress her at every turn.
And treat a warm conversation as encouragement, not proof of a relationship. Instead of studying every gesture, tell her you'd enjoy meeting again and give her room to answer.
What if she says no?
Then you must let the story end there, however beautiful you find her.
A woman you fancy may not fancy you. Some will already be seeing someone, some won't be looking to date, and others simply won't feel a spark. Her reasons are hers to give or keep.
You can say, “No problem. It was lovely meeting you,” and move on.
Do not take her lack of interest as proof that beautiful women are one enormous, inaccessible species. That conclusion tells you nothing about the next woman you meet.
And don't spend the evening searching for reasons to dislike her simply because she wasn't interested. You can be disappointed without turning her choice into an insult.
You will be a far more agreeable romantic prospect if attraction and rejection are both allowed to happen without a full ceremonial collapse.
Find a little courage in ordinary places
You don't need to begin by approaching the most glamorous stranger in a crowded club.
Talk to people at events you enjoy. Get comfortable joining a group conversation and exchanging opinions. Learn to speak to women as individuals before deciding whether you fancy them.
When you do meet someone striking, use the same ordinary social skills.
If an approach is unwelcome or the setting would make her uncomfortable, don't force it. Someone working, wearing headphones or trying to get home isn't there to provide flirting practice.
Choose moments where a conversation makes sense and is easy to leave.
Your courage should make the other person free to respond, not trapped into responding.
One final lesson from Clara
Weeks after the food festival, Sebastian told me that Clara had been terribly nervous before her talk.
He looked astonished.
“But she's so beautiful,” he said.
“Yes,” I replied. “And apparently still equipped with the ordinary human faculty of nerves.”
He eventually stopped speaking about her as though she were a prize displayed in a jeweller's window. He spoke about her wit, her ridiculous collection of old cups and the way she laughed at his terrible jokes.
That was when he began to sound like a man who genuinely liked a woman rather than a man who'd fallen in love with a photograph.
The next time you find yourself intimidated by somebody gorgeous, remember: you don't need to be certain she'll fancy you. You simply need to be decent company long enough to discover whether there's something between you.
For more help with turning those first introductions into genuine attraction, I have an excellent free introduction waiting below: 7 Secrets to Becoming a Babe Magnet. Take a look if you're planning to make that first move.
And should she actually own a private jet, old boy, you may ask about it after you've discovered whether she likes lemon tart.