To stop worrying about your height while dating, be accurate about it on your profile, stop apologising for it in conversation, choose women who are genuinely interested in meeting you and put your effort into the things you can actually influence. Dress in clothes that fit, make an interesting invitation, flirt without demanding reassurance and allow a woman to decide for herself what she finds attractive. Some women prefer taller men. Others don't consider height especially important. Neither fact requires you to behave as though you've already lost.
I have known short gentlemen who entered a room with the authority of visiting royalty, and tall gentlemen who somehow contrived to look frightened of their own shadows.
The first could introduce themselves to anybody. The second required six minutes of encouragement before asking a waitress for the mustard.
Height, old boy, is a measurement. It is not a complete romantic biography.
A fellow I know called Freddie was five feet six and possessed the sort of dry humour that can quietly dismantle a pompous dinner guest in two sentences. He also had magnificent taste in shoes.
Unfortunately, he'd become convinced that women measured men before deciding whether to permit a conversation.
He'd read far too many quarrels online about who should date whom. By the time a woman even asked his name, Freddie had usually explained that he knew he wasn't tall enough.
“Freddie,” I told him, “you are giving the prosecution evidence it hasn't requested.”
He was not amused. Until, fortunately, he was.
Some women care about height. That is not the whole story
Let's begin without fairy tales.
Physical preferences exist. Some women prefer men taller than themselves, some have particular expectations about height, and some dating apps allow people to filter by it.
That can feel discouraging if you're shorter than the imagined ideal.
But a preference expressed by some women isn't a universal law. Research on dating height preferences shows variation between people and populations, and an app's filter cannot tell you how well two particular people would get on.
One woman may genuinely want a tall partner. Another may care much more about humour, lifestyle, attraction, kindness or a hundred small things that don't appear in a measurement box.
You don't have to convince a woman to abandon a preference she's made clear. Equally, you shouldn't assume an entirely different woman shares it.
The sensible approach is to find out who actually wants to meet you rather than spending evenings arguing with people who don't.
Never open with an apology for your height
A dating profile isn't a courtroom in which you must present the case against yourself.
If your profile has a height field, fill it out accurately. If it doesn't, you needn't insert your height into the first line of your biography as though issuing a weather warning.
There is a difference between being straightforward and making a feature your entire identity.
Freddie once wrote: “Five foot six, unfortunately, but I make up for it with personality.”
I suggested: “I restore vintage bicycles, make excellent pasta and once lost a wager involving a garden gnome. Ask about the gnome.”
The second introduction gave a woman three genuine subjects to talk about. She could see his photograph and any listed details; there was no reason to issue a pre-emptive apology.
Don't deliberately misstate your height, angle every photograph to create an illusion or hide it until a date. Those approaches turn a perfectly ordinary feature into an awkward revelation.
Being honest is much easier than maintaining a measurement-based conspiracy.
Put the effort into what she will actually experience
You cannot add six inches to your skeleton before Saturday. You can choose a flattering jacket, arrive looking clean and well cared for, make a thoughtful plan and show some genuine interest.
Proper fit matters more than wearing shoes that advertise your insecurity from across the restaurant.
Choose clothes that suit your build. A jacket that's too large makes almost anyone look as though he has borrowed it from a relative. Trousers that sit correctly and shoes in good condition do their work without needing a dramatic announcement.
Freddie invested in an astonishing pair of boots with heels that would have troubled a circus performer. He spent an entire evening worrying about whether anyone could tell.
They could. More importantly, he walked as though the pavement had become unexpectedly vertical.
Ordinary, comfortable footwear allowed him to stop thinking about his boots and pay attention to his date.
That's a better use of the evening.
Don't turn the first conversation into a survey
If you enjoy talking to a woman, ask about her interests. Tell her about yours. Let the exchange develop.
Avoid questions such as “Do you normally go for taller men?” before you've even finished ordering coffee.
What is she meant to do with that? Reassure you? Describe every previous boyfriend? Complete a questionnaire?
If she mentions height herself, respond naturally and honestly. If she says she usually dates taller men but seems interested in you, you can leave room for her to decide what she wants now.
If she says she only dates men taller than a particular height and you don't meet it, don't argue. There isn't a prize for winning a debate about attraction.
One sincere conversation will tell you more about the woman in front of you than a hundred theoretical arguments with strangers online.
Freddie's encounter with a rather enormous hat
Freddie's first promising date in months was at an exhibition about vintage fashion. His companion, Marianne, was tall, lively and wore a hat so large it appeared to have its own postal district.
He spent the first few minutes worrying that people would notice their difference in height.
Then Marianne laughed at a photograph of a Victorian gentleman in an absurdly high collar.
Freddie, who had been quietly studying historical bicycles, explained that men's fashion had been making perfectly comfortable movement impossible for centuries. They ended up spending twenty minutes arguing about which item in the exhibition was the least practical.
At one point Marianne removed her spectacular hat because it kept colliding with the display signs.
Freddie offered to carry it.
“Careful,” she told him. “It's probably taller than you.”
He smiled. “Then I'd best introduce myself to it properly.”
There was no wounded speech, no defensive joke at her expense, and no attempt to make her feel guilty for mentioning it. A light remark stayed light because both of them appeared to be enjoying it.
Later, he told me that he'd forgotten about their heights for most of the afternoon.
The hat, he conceded, was impossible to forget.
What about dating a woman who's taller than you?
Treat her as you would any woman you like.
If she is happy to date a shorter man, don't keep bringing the subject back to whether she's really comfortable with it. She can make her own choices.
Don't insist she wear flat shoes to protect your pride. Don't ask her to bend down for photographs or apologise when you stand together. You can discuss practical preferences and affection without making her responsible for managing your feelings.
If she enjoys wearing heels, let her enjoy them. If you enjoy walking together, focus on the conversation rather than on the geometry of your silhouettes.
You may encounter rude comments from outsiders. Those comments are about the people making them. You and your date can decide whether to laugh them off, ignore them or challenge them.
What you shouldn't do is turn a stranger's foolish remark into an accusation that your partner has embarrassed you by existing at her own height.
Romance is complicated enough without appointing the public as a measuring committee.
Dating apps can make the issue feel bigger
A profile is an oddly compressed version of a person. The app may display your age, location, photographs and height before anyone has heard your laugh or noticed that you remember a detail from her messages.
Some users filter aggressively. If height is important to them, you may never appear in their results.
That can be disappointing. It's also a limitation of the format rather than a complete verdict on how people respond to you in person.
Use photographs that show your face and something of your real life. Describe interests that lead to conversation. Ask about something specific in her profile. Invite someone out once a mutual exchange has developed.
And consider meeting women in settings where an entire personality has a chance to appear: social occasions, mutual interests, introductions and events that suit you.
You aren't required to abandon dating apps. Just don't allow a sorting tool to become the authority on your attractiveness.
How to handle a rude remark without making a scene
Occasionally a woman may make a thoughtless or unkind remark about height.
You don't need a devastating comeback. You can keep your dignity and decide whether you want to continue.
“That's a rather odd thing to say.”
Or simply: “I don't think we're a match. All the best.”
A playful joke can be fine if the exchange has been warm and mutually teasing. But if she is genuinely mocking you, there's no obligation to entertain her.
Equally, avoid responding to a rejection by attacking her appearance. Nobody needs an evening in which two adults exchange measurements and insults.
Being a good date includes knowing when to leave an unpleasant conversation without turning it into a spectacle.
Monty has left events over less, though admittedly one concerned the unacceptable condition of a velvet banquette.
Make your invitation about the two of you
A simple, well-chosen date says considerably more about you than a defensive speech about your height.
If you both love books, suggest a literary event and a coffee. If she likes Italian food, propose a place you've genuinely enjoyed. If you met through a walking group, perhaps a pleasant public daytime route and lunch would suit.
Be clear: “I'd love to see that photography exhibition with you. Are you free on Sunday?”
The question gives her room to accept or decline.
If she accepts, be pleased. Don't follow up with, “Are you sure you don't mind that I'm shorter?”
Unless there's a genuine logistical issue, the height subject needn't become the evening's principal topic.
You have other things to discuss. Almost certainly more interesting ones.
The question worth asking after a date
Freddie used to return home and analyse whether his height had ruined the evening.
He'd replay how she stood beside him, whether she wore heels and whether anyone had glanced at them.
What he wasn't asking was whether he'd enjoyed her company.
Did she make him laugh? Did he feel comfortable sharing his interests? Was the conversation mutual? Would he like to see her again?
Those are better questions.
If the evening ends without another invitation, don't invent reasons for her decision unless she actually gives you one. Attraction involves many factors, including simple chemistry you can't calculate from a photograph.
And if you don't fancy her, you needn't continue merely because someone has shown you interest.
Your preferences count as well.
Freddie stops carrying a measuring tape in his imagination
Freddie and Marianne went to another exhibition. Then a small Italian restaurant. Then, rather unexpectedly, a bicycle auction.
He continued to be five feet six. She continued to be taller. The heavens did not fall.
Their attraction was their own business, not proof that Marianne's preferences are universal. But it was proof of something Freddie had forgotten: he could let a woman decide whether she liked him without issuing a warning first.
Your height may influence some people's decisions. Pretending otherwise would be dishonest. So would telling you that it defines what everyone else will think.
Keep it accurate. Keep it in proportion. Then go and be the funniest, most interesting and considerate version of the man who actually turns up.
Monty's free 7 Secrets to Becoming a Babe Magnet guide is available through the invitation on this page if you'd like help with the things a gentleman can develop: presentation, conversation, charm and a well-timed invitation.
And whatever you do, old boy, leave the circus boots at home.