To greet someone on a first date, arrive on time at the agreed public meeting point, smile, say her name and offer a simple, friendly hello. “Hi, Amelia. It's lovely to finally meet you” does the job beautifully. Don't assume she wants a hug or kiss; if a hug seems welcome, you can ask, “Would a hug be all right?” Then move naturally towards the activity you've arranged. The goal is to make the first few moments comfortable, not stage a performance that will be discussed by historians.
I have long maintained that the first ten seconds of a date can generate a remarkable quantity of unnecessary theatre.
A gentleman spots a woman approaching, panics about whether to hug her, then invents a movement somewhere between a handshake, a bow and an attempt to catch a falling umbrella.
I know because I've seen it.
Indeed, once upon a time I performed something remarkably similar while wearing an opera cloak. The garment became attached to the handle of a café door, and my intended greeting was interrupted by a noise resembling a large bird attempting to escape a pantry.
The woman, Margot, looked at me with considerable interest.
“Are you all right?”
“Perfectly,” I said, still connected to the building.
“Then perhaps you should come inside before you bring the whole door with you.”
Her calm reply rescued us both.
The important thing about a first-date greeting is that two real people are meeting, sometimes after speaking only online. A clear, welcoming moment gives them somewhere pleasant to begin.
Confirm where you're actually meeting
A good greeting starts before anyone arrives.
Agree on a specific public location, not “somewhere near the station”.
If the café has two doors, decide which one. If you're meeting outside a museum, name the main entrance or another obvious landmark.
“Shall we meet by the ticket desk at two?” is simple.
If you're delayed, tell her as soon as you know. If the venue closes unexpectedly, suggest another public option and check that she's happy with it.
Don't demand she come to an obscure side street or climb into your car simply because you can't find the agreed place.
Each person should be able to travel independently and recognise where the meeting is happening.
A small amount of preparation prevents the peculiar spectacle of two people standing fifty yards apart, each wondering why the other hasn't appeared.
Recognise her without conducting an inspection
If you've matched through a dating app, you may know her from photographs.
Those photographs should be current, but real people also look different in motion, in different light or with a different hairstyle.
If you aren't certain you've recognised her, ask politely.
“Amelia?”
“Yes. You must be Daniel.”
“Lovely to meet you.”
There's no need to announce that she looks better, worse, taller or smaller than her profile.
Comments such as “You're not quite what I expected” can land rather badly, even when you mean no harm.
Nor should you stare at her from head to toe as though conducting an auction valuation.
Look at her face, smile and pay attention to what she's saying.
You are about to spend time with a person, not compare two versions of a photograph.
A friendly hello is enough
You needn't memorise an elaborate opening.
“Hi, it's really good to meet you.”
“Hello, I've been looking forward to this.”
“Glad we found each other. Was the journey all right?”
Those are entirely sufficient.
You can add a simple observation about the venue or something you've already discussed.
“We've finally made it to the museum with the extraordinary clocks.”
But don't launch into a rehearsed joke before you've even established that she's comfortable and ready to talk.
A woman who's just travelled across town may first want to put down her bag, find the correct entrance or take a breath.
Give the moment room.
There is a strange belief that a gentleman must impress a date instantly or be consigned to romantic oblivion. In reality, ordinary warmth is often considerably more appealing than an unexpected speech.
Hug, handshake, wave or nothing at all?
Different people greet dates differently.
Some are happy with a light hug. Others prefer a smile and a little personal space, especially when meeting somebody new.
A handshake can feel formal in some settings, but it isn't wrong when it suits both people.
A little wave and a friendly hello are perfectly fine.
Don't assume a hug is compulsory because you've exchanged several affectionate messages.
If you're unsure, you can ask: “Would you like a hug?”
Or simply smile and begin talking without physical contact.
Respect a no or a hesitant reaction without treating it as an insult.
A comfortable beginning has more potential than a greeting in which somebody feels obliged to endure touch she didn't choose.
The affair of Monty's opera cloak
I had arranged to meet Margot outside a small café beside an exhibition of theatrical posters.
My cloak was, I confess, magnificent: deep burgundy with a clasp shaped like a lion.
It was also approximately a yard too ambitious for the café's revolving entrance.
As Margot approached, I raised an arm in greeting. A gust caught the fabric; the cloak swept backwards and attached itself to the door handle.
The proprietor rushed outside.
“Sir, you're preventing customers from entering.”
“Then perhaps they'll appreciate the exclusivity,” I replied.
Margot laughed, detached the clasp and handed me the offending garment.
“Shall we try a simpler entrance?”
An excellent idea.
The mistake was not that I'd failed to perform some sophisticated romantic manoeuvre. It was that I'd forgotten an ordinary, friendly hello could have done the work without assistance from a theatrical costume.
We went inside, ordered tea and began again.
What if you feel painfully awkward?
You don't need to apologise for existing.
A first meeting can feel unusual, especially when you've talked online and know little about the person in front of you.
If you're a little awkward, a light acknowledgment can help.
“I'm glad we found each other. I was beginning to think I'd chosen the wrong entrance.”
That makes the situation human.
But avoid announcing repeatedly that you're terrible at dating, apologising for every pause or asking whether she regrets coming.
Those comments can make her feel responsible for reassuring you instead of simply getting to know you.
Concentrate on the real moment: she has arrived, you're here, and there's something the two of you arranged to enjoy.
A good date doesn't require an immaculate performance.
Give a compliment without evaluating her body
If you genuinely want to compliment something, be considerate.
“That's a lovely colour on you.”
“I like your jacket.”
Or simply: “You look lovely.”
Don't exaggerate, stare or make a detailed comment about parts of her body.
And don't treat the compliment as something that should produce an equal one in return.
If she smiles and thanks you, wonderful. Move on.
If she seems uncomfortable, stop and let conversation develop.
The greeting should help her feel welcome rather than examined.
There are plenty of opportunities later to discover whether romantic attraction is mutual. You don't have to establish every dimension of it beside a ticket machine.
What if you've already flirted online?
You may have exchanged jokes, compliments or affectionate messages.
That can create a feeling of familiarity before meeting.
But two people still have to discover how they feel face to face.
You might refer to a private joke if it's harmless and welcome.
“I'm delighted to report that I haven't brought the disastrous hat we discussed.”
It's often best to avoid an abrupt leap into kissing or highly intimate touch, however playful your online messages have been.
The other person hasn't necessarily agreed to that.
A friendly greeting allows the date to develop its own pace.
If a romantic gesture becomes welcome later, you'll have time to recognise that and communicate about it. First, say hello.
When you're meeting at a restaurant or café
If the plan is to sit down, lead with simple practicality rather than a dramatic gesture.
“Shall we go in?”
If you've booked a table, explain where.
If the staff ask for your name, supply it without turning the greeting into a performance of status.
Don't order her drink for her without asking what she'd like.
And don't take possession of her coat or bag without permission.
Good manners involve making things easier, not taking over.
If she'd prefer to choose her seat or order at the counter, that's completely ordinary.
You can be attentive without behaving like a head waiter who's mistaken the customer for a member of the royal family.
What if the greeting goes badly?
Suppose you aim for a handshake while she raises her arm for a hug.
Or your bag catches a chair. Or you forget her name for one dreadful second.
You can recover with a little honesty and humour.
“I'm afraid we've invented a completely new greeting. Shall we try hello?”
If she seems uncomfortable, give her space.
Don't insist on repeating the attempted hug until it looks right.
A first date isn't decided by a five-second stumble. What matters is how you treat each other once you've arrived.
Margot, you may recall, met me while I was attached to a café door. She still stayed for tea.
If that isn't evidence that a gentleman can survive an inelegant entrance, I cannot imagine what would be.
How to move from greeting into conversation
Once you've said hello, use the shared surroundings.
“How was your journey?”
“Have you been to this exhibition before?”
“I've been looking forward to seeing the old theatre posters you mentioned.”
These help bridge the gap between arrival and the main activity.
Don't ask six questions in rapid succession.
Listen to her reply, share a short thought and let the conversation develop.
If she's travelled a long way, you might ask whether she'd like a seat or a drink.
If you're going into a museum, you can discuss which room to begin with.
The aim is to stop thinking of the greeting as a separate romantic examination and start enjoying your date.
Should you bring flowers or a gift to the greeting?
A small gift may be thoughtful when you know somebody well enough to understand her tastes, but it's not required for a first meeting.
A large bouquet, an expensive present or an elaborate romantic announcement can be awkward when you've only chatted online.
She may have to carry it through the whole date.
You may also create pressure to respond enthusiastically to something she didn't expect.
If you've discussed a particular book or joke and there's a harmless small token connected to it, use your judgement.
But you are not obliged to bring anything.
You already have something useful to offer: attention, good company and an actual interest in the woman you're meeting.
Let that be the first impression.
The important thing after the first ten seconds
When Margot and I finally sat down, she asked why I'd chosen such an elaborate cloak.
“Because I believed it made me look distinguished.”
“It made you look like an escapee from an opera,” she replied.
“Then I shall endeavour to perform beautifully.”
She laughed, and we began talking about the old theatre posters we'd come to see.
Our afternoon was perfectly enjoyable. The opening disaster gave us a private joke rather than an unforgivable flaw.
In the end, the date did not depend on whether I'd hugged, bowed or delivered an exceptional compliment.
It depended on whether we liked each other's company.
Arrive reliably, smile, say hello, respect her space and start the conversation. A first-date greeting should open the door, old boy, not become a show of its own.
If you want more of Monty's lessons in making an agreeable first impression, the little complimentary courtship guide is available from the offer below.
And remember: magnificent cloaks are best saved for occasions with larger doorways.