HOW MUCH DOES PHYSICAL APPEARANCE MATTER IN DATING? MONTY TELLS IT STRAIGHT

Yes, Looks Influence First Impressions

There is no point pretending otherwise.

Physical appearance can affect whether one stranger notices another, especially on dating apps, where photographs do much of the early work.

Research on online dating decisions has found that visual attractiveness can weigh heavily in whether someone chooses a profile. Studies of speed dating also show that people form romantic impressions quickly.

That doesn't tell us what every woman finds attractive, or what makes a relationship last. It tells us that appearance is one part of early attraction.

If you see a woman across the room and think she's gorgeous, you're responding to appearance yourself.

Women are allowed to have their own physical preferences too.

The mistake is turning that perfectly ordinary truth into a universal ranking of men, with every woman supposedly choosing from the same list.

There isn't one list.

What One Woman Loves, Another Barely Notices

One woman loves tall men. Another particularly likes a stocky build. Somebody adores a beard; somebody else can't stand one.

A woman might like smart clothes and polished shoes. Another might prefer a relaxed man who looks at home in jeans.

You may have read endless arguments about what women “really” want: height, muscles, hair, salary, jawline, some extraordinary measurement nobody discussed until a man on the internet invented a graph.

Those arguments often speak about women as though they're a committee that meets on Thursdays to approve a single official standard.

They aren't.

Even studies describing average preferences can't tell you what a particular woman will like about a particular man.

Average tendencies exist; individual tastes still vary.

So if one woman doesn't fancy you, that doesn't prove you're physically unattractive to every other woman alive.

It means that particular connection hasn't happened.

The Difference Between Looking Attractive and Looking After Yourself

Here's where you have some useful control.

You may not be able to change your height or the shape of your face. You can usually do something about how you present yourself.

Clean clothes that fit. A haircut you like. Basic grooming. Fresh breath. Suitable shoes. A little attention to the occasion.

Nothing terribly glamorous.

Suppose two men arrive at a casual dinner in similar jeans and shirts.

One shirt fits and is clean. The other is crumpled, smells of last night's takeaway and has a stain that appears to be developing its own ecosystem.

You don't need to be a professional stylist to see which man has made a more considerate effort.

This isn't about expensive brands.

A modest, well-fitting shirt can look better than an expensive one that's the wrong size. And if you feel comfortable in your clothes, you'll probably spend less of the evening tugging at your collar.

Monty, naturally, favours a certain amount of leopard print. Your own choices may be a little less dangerous to passing wildlife.

Don't Confuse Physical Fitness With a Required Body Type

Being active and looking after your health can improve how you feel and what you enjoy doing.

But there's no compulsory dating physique.

If you enjoy lifting weights, lovely. If you prefer swimming or walking, also lovely. If you're working long shifts and trying to make more time for exercise, don't compare your life with a fitness influencer who spends three hours a day under studio lights.

Look after your body for yourself.

You don't have to punish yourself into a shape you hate in pursuit of somebody else's approval.

And please don't make extreme dieting, supplements or dangerous exercise routines the price of feeling desirable.

If there are health changes you'd like to make, sensible and sustainable habits matter more than looking impressive in a photograph next Tuesday.

A relationship should fit a real human life, not demand the permanent appearance of a magazine cover.

First Impressions Aren't the Entire Story

Imagine you're introduced to a woman at a friend's dinner.

At first, you barely register whether you're attracted to one another.

Then you talk.

You discover that you both love dreadful old comedy programmes. You tell a story about accidentally taking the wrong suitcase on holiday. She laughs until she has to put down her drink.

You notice how thoughtful she is with the host's elderly mother.

By the end of the evening, she may seem much more attractive to you than she did in the first thirty seconds.

That can happen in either direction.

Humour, warmth, familiarity, shared values and the experience of being treated well can change how people see someone.

It doesn't mean attraction always grows. Sometimes it doesn't.

But deciding a man's romantic prospects entirely from one photograph leaves out an enormous part of what it feels like to spend time with him.

On Dating Apps, Appearance Has More Work to Do

A dating profile puts pictures right at the front.

If someone is deciding whether to open your profile, she may not yet know you're funny, reliable, kind or brilliant at cooking.

That doesn't make her shallow. The app has given her a very limited way to form a first impression.

So use clear, recent photographs.

One showing your face properly. Another showing you doing something you actually enjoy. Maybe a full-length photograph if you're comfortable with that.

Avoid endless heavily filtered images or photographs so old your hairstyle belongs in a museum.

And don't post photographs of somebody else. That advice feels absurdly obvious, but apparently somebody needs to hear it.

The goal isn't to look like a different man. It's to make it easy for somebody who might like the real you to recognise him.

If your photos are confusing, dark or outdated, improving them is often more sensible than spending months worrying about your jawline.

In Real Life, You've Got More Ways to Connect

At a friend's party, in a social club or on a date, a woman can see how you behave as well as how you look.

She might notice that you help somebody without making a fuss. That you tell a good story. That you're interested in what she says. That you can laugh at yourself.

She might also decide she doesn't fancy you. That's her choice.

The point is that meeting in person allows your personality and manner to appear alongside your looks.

It's one reason men who find dating apps dispiriting sometimes prefer shared activities and introductions through friends.

But don't start attending pottery classes solely to demonstrate your wonderful personality to unsuspecting women.

Go because you enjoy pottery. If there's a mutual connection, lovely.

What Women Notice Beyond Appearance

There's no single list, but some things are worth considering.

How you treat other people. Whether you listen. Whether you can enjoy a joke without insulting somebody. Whether your lifestyle is compatible with hers. Whether you keep promises. Whether you show an interest in her life rather than delivering a monologue about your achievements.

You can't manufacture attraction simply by doing all those things correctly.

A woman may appreciate your kindness and still not fancy you.

But they're qualities that affect what it's like to spend time with you, and that matters in dating.

Imagine a handsome man who's rude to the waiter, talks constantly about himself and belittles her interests.

His appearance may have caught her attention. It won't necessarily make the evening enjoyable.

Now imagine a less conventionally glamorous chap who's comfortable, considerate and funny.

She may or may not feel attracted to him. But at least she's getting to know somebody worth meeting.

What If You're Losing Your Hair?

Perhaps your hairline has been edging backwards for years.

You may feel that every photograph reminds you of a younger version of yourself.

Plenty of men lose their hair. Some women prefer a full head of hair, some like shaved heads and others aren't particularly bothered.

You can choose a haircut that works with what you have. You can speak with an appropriate professional if you're considering treatment.

What I wouldn't do is turn hair loss into the main subject of every date.

You don't need to begin with a confession, as though somebody has discovered a scandal.

If you like the way you look with a short cut or shaved head, wear it.

Women can decide what they like without you presenting an opening argument against yourself.

What If You're Overweight or Don't Look Like You Used To?

You may have spent years working, raising children or dealing with life's more exhausting periods.

Your body has changed.

That's ordinary.

If you want to make changes for your health and comfort, you can. If you'd like to dress in a way that fits better, that's a practical improvement you can make now.

But don't put your entire dating life on hold until you reach an imaginary perfect weight.

Nor should you pretend nobody has physical preferences. Some people will be attracted to your build; others won't.

That's true of every body type.

You aren't obliged to apologise for existing in the body you've got.

And somebody who makes you feel ashamed of it may not be somebody you particularly want to date.

Appearance and Age: Dating After Forty

There's a peculiar thing about getting older.

We look in the mirror and compare ourselves with how we looked at twenty-five.

Meanwhile, the women we might actually date are often looking for men who fit their lives now, not men who resemble old university photographs.

Attraction doesn't stop at forty, fifty or sixty.

You may have grey hair, lines around your eyes and a slightly different wardrobe. You also have years of experience, established interests and a better idea of what matters to you.

Don't use that as an excuse to stop looking after yourself.

Just stop confusing youth with the only kind of attractiveness.

A well-groomed, cheerful man who's comfortable with his age can be enjoyable company.

He doesn't have to pretend he's thirty to deserve a date.

Should You Ask a Woman Whether You're Her Type?

Sometimes you may wonder whether she actually finds you attractive.

You could try asking, but don't put her in the position of having to assess your body over dinner.

A much more useful question, after you've spent time together, is whether she's enjoying getting to know you and wants to meet again.

“I've had a lovely time. Would you fancy another date?”

That allows her to answer without producing a written report on your appearance.

If you've been dating for a while and want to talk about attraction or affection, have a considerate conversation.

But don't repeatedly seek reassurance by asking whether you're better-looking than her ex.

You'll create a contest in which nobody has volunteered to compete.

The Three Appearance Improvements I'd Make First

If you feel you've let your presentation slide and want to make a little more effort, start with the easy stuff.

Get clothes that fit now. Not clothes you hope to fit after losing a stone. The man going on the date exists today.

Sort basic grooming. Hair, beard if you have one, nails, clean shoes and whatever makes you feel fresh and comfortable.

Choose an outfit for the actual occasion. A muddy countryside walk needs different clothes from a restaurant. Arriving in a three-piece suit to a beginner kayaking class suggests you've misunderstood the instructions.

If you enjoy exercise, incorporate something sustainable into your life too.

No wardrobe needs replacing overnight. You aren't auditioning to become a fashion influencer.

When Appearance Isn't the Problem

Perhaps you've had several disappointing dates and decided your looks must be to blame.

But how do you know?

Maybe there wasn't much compatibility. Maybe you were both nervous. Maybe the other person wasn't ready for a relationship. Maybe you live far apart.

You can't know someone's private reasoning unless they choose to tell you.

And even if a woman genuinely isn't physically attracted to you, that doesn't mean the same will be true of everyone else.

Instead of inventing a universal rejection based on a few experiences, concentrate on the things you can improve and keep meeting people in suitable settings.

You're looking for mutual interest, not trying to change the minds of women who've already decided they don't want to date you.

Monty's Verdict

Physical appearance matters in dating. Anyone who tells you otherwise is overlooking a real part of attraction.

But looks aren't a single universal score, and your appearance isn't the only thing somebody experiences when they spend time with you.

Look after yourself. Wear clothes that fit. Be clean, comfortable and considerate. Build a life you genuinely enjoy.

Then let women decide whether they fancy the particular man you are.

Old boy, a magnificent set of abdominal muscles may look splendid in a photograph.

But if the owner spends an entire date discussing protein powder while being rude to the waiter, the evening could become rather long.

And as for Monty's legendary moustache? A work of art, naturally. But I'm not expecting every woman on earth to agree.