Confidence and looks both influence first impressions, but they're not competing ingredients with a universal winner. Being comfortable with yourself, showing interest and handling a conversation well can make a man more attractive; appearance and basic grooming still play their part. Neither guarantees a connection.
The most handsome man I ever saw lose a room was wearing an ivory suit and a face that looked as though somebody had chiselled it out of marble for a very expensive aftershave advert.
We were at a dance in Blackpool. The band was having a ferocious argument with the brass section, the mirror ball was turning, and this magnificent creature had spent twenty minutes inspecting his reflection in the darkened windows. When he approached a woman, he delivered his name as if he were reporting a burglary.
Meanwhile, a chap in an alarming mustard-coloured shirt was telling a story about driving to a wedding with a cake strapped into the passenger seat. Half the table was in stitches. He was having a wonderful time.
Guess which gentleman ended up dancing?
So, is confidence more important than looks? There isn't a universal winner. Looks have an obvious advantage in photographs; confidence can change the impression you make when you're actually together. Neither guarantees attraction. The interesting bit is what you can do with both.
Take that from a man who once considered having his sunglasses insured separately from the rest of his wardrobe.
The face gets noticed; the man has to arrive afterwards
Looks are an introduction, not a complete conversation.
A photograph reveals your face and your clothes, perhaps a questionable holiday pose. It can't capture your laugh or how you respond when a joke falls flat.
That's one reason physical appearance carries such weight on dating apps. Researchers studying judgements made from faces have found that visual attractiveness can dominate when people are asked to consider potential romantic partners from photographs. The result isn't particularly shocking: when the picture is the main evidence, the picture does most of the work.
Meeting face-to-face is a different performance altogether. An appealing voice, a wonderfully expressive face, the way a person moves, a lively exchange and the feeling of being understood can all enter the picture.
Looks don't disappear; you may still not be somebody's type. And handsome men can be superb company. It's not an either-or contest.
It's simply that a photograph and a date are judging different things.
What confident men do differently — without announcing it
Some men confuse making an entrance with demanding a standing ovation.
Real confidence is more interesting than that. It's being willing to take part without needing absolute certainty that everything will go beautifully. A confident man can introduce himself, make a suggestion and survive a mildly awkward silence.
If a joke flops, he doesn't explain why it was actually brilliant. He laughs and carries on.
Think of a ballroom dancer who misses a step. The terrified dancer looks down, freezes and spends the next thirty seconds apologising to the floor. The relaxed one grins, finds the beat again and gives his partner a reason to grin too.
The feet haven't improved. The atmosphere has.
Confidence also has a rather attractive side effect: it frees up your attention. If you're not using every spare thought to calculate how impressive you're appearing, you've got room to notice the person you're with.
Much better than spending the evening fussing over your collar.
What looks can do that confidence can't
I'm not about to tell an enormous fib merely because an uplifting answer would be easier to sell.
Physical attraction can be immediate, powerful and personal. Some people love a rugged face; others melt at a particular smile, hairstyle or shape. Preferences are individual, and a great personality isn't a compulsory substitute for physical interest.
Speed-dating research finds that perceived physical attractiveness can predict romantic interest after people meet, among women and men alike. Looks don't simply vanish when somebody opens their mouth.
But appearance is also a broader business than symmetrical features. The clothes you choose, how they fit, the condition of your shoes and whether you look comfortable in your own skin all influence presentation.
None of these requires you to resemble a film star. Dressing as somebody else can make a date feel like a fancy-dress party.
Look after yourself. Choose clothes you enjoy wearing. Make an effort. Then stop behaving as though your hair is being examined by a panel of international judges.
Confidence cannot change your face. It can change what the evening feels like in your company.
Swagger is not confidence, however magnificently it's dressed
There was a fellow at a summer fête who introduced himself to me as “the most eligible man in the county”. He was standing beside a tombola stall. Somewhere behind him, a child was throwing a tantrum over a stuffed penguin.
Nobody seemed to know who had conducted the election.
You can recognise false swagger by how much work it demands from everybody else. He mentions his salary before you've learnt his surname, then wonders why people study the exits.
Genuine self-assurance doesn't require an audience to keep topping it up. You can enjoy being admired without making it the admission price for talking to you.
One of the nicest kinds of confidence is being able to say, “I haven't a clue about that. Tell me.” It turns what could have been a contest into a conversation.
A chap who's secure enough to be curious is rather better company than one who must win every exchange. That's not a guarantee of romance, but it certainly improves the evening.
What about the good-looking man who's terribly shy?
Spare a thought for the handsome introvert. A chap can have the face of a matinee idol and still feel he's sitting an oral examination when a woman says hello.
Shyness isn't a character defect. Quiet people can be funny, thoughtful, sexy and excellent at making someone feel special. The difficulty comes when nerves hide all those qualities behind silence, a hurried departure or a face that appears to be waiting for the dentist.
You don't have to become the mustard-shirted ballroom storyteller to make a good impression. Perhaps your humour is dry rather than booming and you shine in quieter conversation.
Confidence for a quiet man might mean staying in the conversation a minute longer. Asking the question he's curious about. Letting a smile show rather than looking away immediately.
I rather like the idea that confidence can be measured by courage, not volume. A gentleman doesn't have to own the entire room. Sometimes it is quite enough to be fully present in one corner of it.
How to look more confident without pretending you're someone else
Here's what I'd do if I were heading out this Saturday with a promising introduction in mind.
First, I'd wear something I actually liked. Not something borrowed from an influencer who appears to have been assembled in a laboratory. If you're comfortable in a crisp shirt and good boots, magnificent. If you prefer a properly cut jacket, you'll find me applauding from the next table.
Say hello and let her answer. Leave the parliamentary speech at home.
Ask your question. Say what's interesting. Allow a pause. Nobody has ever died of a four-second silence at a drinks party, although a few gentlemen have certainly behaved as if the end was near.
And when you feel yourself becoming self-conscious, shift the spotlight. What has she just said that's interesting? What would you genuinely like to know?
You might still be nervous. Fine. Being confident doesn't mean having no nerves; it means you can enjoy an evening without letting them run the whole show.
For more on showing interest naturally, there's a useful distinction in how to show genuine interest without coming on too strong.
Two men, one introduction, and no magic formula
Imagine a garden party. The hostess is introducing everyone to a new guest called Laura, who's recently returned from working abroad.
A strikingly handsome man gives Laura a magnificent smile, then spends ten minutes talking about his own travels. He has no idea she's lived in the country he's describing. He never gives her the chance to mention it. She'll certainly remember his face. Whether she'll wish to see him again is another question.
Now imagine a less conventionally handsome man making the same introduction. He's a little nervous, but he asks what Laura missed most while she was away. “Proper fish and chips,” she says. “My mother had to collect me from the airport with some. I was practically eating them at baggage reclaim.”
“An excellent woman, your mother,” he replies. “Mine once collected me from Manchester with a spare tyre and a lecture.”
They start laughing. Laura tells him the story of the chips. He follows it with the tale of the tyre. Nobody is thinking about cheekbones.
Does that mean she's bound to fancy him? Of course not. Perhaps one becomes a friend and one a date. But only one conversation gave them something to enjoy together.
That's the advantage confidence often gives a man. It lets him take part in his own introduction.
Which should you work on: appearance or confidence?
The useful answer is not to choose one and neglect the other.
If you've been feeling scruffy, a little attention to grooming and clothes can make a remarkable difference to how prepared you feel. You don't need a spending spree. A proper haircut, a clean shirt that fits, and shoes that haven't survived three expeditions to the local tip will do nicely.
If you already take care of your appearance but freeze whenever you meet someone new, another expensive jacket probably isn't the missing ingredient. More real conversations are.
Talk to people without making every exchange a romantic audition. Learn to tell a story without rushing the ending. Go somewhere you enjoy. A little experience makes unfamiliar situations feel less frightening.
And measure success sensibly. A pleasant chat is progress. Remembering somebody's name is progress. Enjoying yourself despite a touch of nerves is progress. None depends on whether you leave with a telephone number.
Looks can help with an introduction. Confidence often helps you make the most of it. They're partners, not prizefighters waiting for a bell.
The verdict from the chap with the outrageous sunglasses
Back at that Blackpool dance, the man in mustard wasn't secretly a professional seducer. He'd just arrived without the conviction that every woman in the room was assessing him for a role as leading man.
He made people laugh because he was enjoying their company. He asked one woman to dance. She said yes. The band finally remembered what tune it was supposed to be playing.
The handsome chap in ivory may well have had a magnificent evening elsewhere. I hope he did. It's only a pity he spent so much of that one fretting over his reflection.
So, is confidence more important than looks? On a photograph, appearance has the obvious advantage. In a room, where two people can talk, laugh and discover one another, confidence has a chance to do something a photograph never could.
Make the most of your looks, by all means. Then forget about them for long enough to have a marvellous time.
And if you'd like a little more Monty in your corner, my free Seven Secrets to Becoming a Babe Magnet guide is a rather good place to start. I'll leave the mustard shirt to your own judgement.