Lust is mainly about physical desire. Attraction can include that desire, but it also grows from someone's company, humour, character and the way you connect. If you're fascinated only by how she looks, you may be feeling lust; if you want to know her beyond that, attraction may be developing.
At a party, a woman wears a dress that deserves its own spotlight. Your imagination takes an unchaperoned holiday. Then you talk and discover her extraordinary laugh and lifelong grudge against people who clap when aeroplanes land.
Now something else is happening.
The difference between lust and attraction is that lust is primarily sexual desire, while attraction is a broader pull towards someone that may be physical, romantic, emotional or a mixture. You can lust after a person without wanting a relationship. You can feel romantically drawn to somebody without a powerful sexual urge. And, when you're lucky, both feelings can arrive together.
Neither feeling is a promise. How you act matters.
I adore a little electricity in the air. I simply recommend knowing whether you're admiring the fireworks or interested in the person holding the match.
Lust is physical desire, not a personality defect
Let's give lust its proper name. It's the wanting: the physical appeal, the fantasies, the urge to kiss someone, to be close to them sexually, perhaps to take things further if the interest is mutual.
It can appear quickly. You might barely know a woman beyond her name and already find her extremely attractive. There isn't necessarily anything dishonest about that. Adults notice one another. One would hope we could manage it without summoning a committee.
Lust isn't proof you're shallow. Nor does it mean you can't appreciate someone's intelligence or character. It simply describes where your attention is especially concentrated at that moment.
The confusion comes when we assume an exciting kiss proves there must be more. It doesn't.
And desire isn't an instruction to act. You can notice somebody, feel a jolt of interest and still behave like a gentleman. That is rather the point of having self-control as well as excellent trousers.
Attraction can reach well beyond the bedroom
Attraction is a much bigger word than people sometimes realise.
You can be physically attracted to someone's appearance. You can be drawn to their wit, intelligence, voice or sheer ability to make an ordinary afternoon entertaining. Romantic attraction includes wanting a particular closeness: more time together, perhaps affection, dates or the chance to discover what being a couple might feel like.
Those feelings overlap, but they aren't interchangeable. Wanting to kiss somebody is not quite the same as wanting to hear about their day. Sometimes you'll want both. Sometimes only one.
A woman might make you laugh in a way nobody else does, and you find yourself looking forward to messages from her. That can be the start of romantic interest. It might also become a beautiful friendship. Not every warm connection has to graduate into courtship.
Some people experience romance without much sexual desire; others experience desire without romance. Neither experience is universal.
What matters is being interested in the actual person instead of treating a strong feeling as evidence that you already know her.
How can you tell whether it's lust or something deeper?
You can't diagnose lust over a gin and tonic. Notice where your curiosity goes.
When you think about her, is it mostly the way she looks and the excitement of being physically close? That's a clue that sexual desire is prominent. Nothing wrong with it, but call it what it is.
Do you find yourself remembering something she said about her work, hoping an awkward family situation turned out well or wondering how she'd react to a particularly ridiculous piece of news? You're becoming interested in her inner world, not just her appearance.
One useful question: Would I still want to spend time with her if sex wasn't on the table?
A yes doesn't prove you're in love, and a no doesn't make you a villain. It simply gives you useful information about your current intentions.
She also gets to want something different. Attraction isn't a contest you win by persuasion.
Three dates, three very different feelings
Imagine three evenings. I'll supply the mood lighting; you supply the judgement.
At the hotel bar: You meet a stunning woman, flirt extravagantly and spend an enjoyable hour together. The physical pull is unmistakable. But you discover you're not especially curious about her life, and she has no interest in yours. That might be mutual, uncomplicated lust — provided you're both honest about what you're looking for.
At the bookshop café: You meet a woman whose humour surprises you. Neither of you is falling off your chair with desire, yet conversation lasts until the staff begin stacking tables. You're excited to see her again because you want to know more. Romantic attraction may be developing, even without a cinematic first kiss.
At a friend's dinner party: The flirting is outrageous, you fancy each other and you spend the evening discovering strange little points of connection. Physical and romantic interest may be arriving together. Lovely. It's still early days, so resist mentally ordering matching monogrammed towels.
These examples show why “I fancy her” can describe quite different feelings.
Can lust turn into attraction or love?
Absolutely possible. Desire may lead two people to spend time together, and time together can reveal affection, trust and interest that weren't obvious at the outset.
But don't confuse possible with inevitable. Sexual intimacy won't automatically produce emotional closeness or commitment. If you want a serious relationship and the other person has said they don't, sleeping together is not a convincing negotiating strategy.
Researchers have long distinguished sexual desire from romantic love, even while recognising that the two can influence each other. This isn't a claim that your brain operates with three clearly labelled switches. Human feelings are untidier, more personal and less obedient than that.
There's no timetable for desire to become affection. One exciting beginning becomes a lasting relationship; another stays a lovely evening.
The honest version is better than promising yourself that a good night guarantees a future.
Why a powerful physical pull can feel like destiny
Desire has a talent for turning a small amount of information into a magnificent story.
You've enjoyed three hours together. You know she has captivating eyes, likes a particular cocktail and once lived in Lisbon. Already your imagination has dressed the two of you for a month in the Algarve.
I understand. My imagination travels first class.
But sometimes we're responding partly to a version of somebody we've invented. When the gaps in our knowledge are filled with everything we hope to find, excitement can masquerade as certainty.
Stay curious. Does your interest survive disagreement, tiredness or a change of subject from flirtation to something she cares about?
It's how fantasy gradually gives way to knowing someone.
Sexual attraction doesn't have to disappear when love arrives
There's a dreadful idea floating about that lust belongs to casual flings and tenderness belongs to serious relationships, as though somebody collects your passion at the door when you decide to commit.
Nonsense. Physical desire can be part of a deeply affectionate relationship.
In established couples, desire can rise or fall for all sorts of reasons: stress, health, time, tiredness, changing circumstances and how connected the partners feel. Research also suggests that feeling understood and cared for can support sexual desire. It isn't simply something that happens instead of affection.
At the same time, no couple needs to match a fantasy of constant passion to have a worthwhile relationship. Desire differs between individuals and can change over a lifetime.
Talk about it without blame or pressure. Mutual enjoyment beats performance.
If you only want something physical, say so
This may be my most useful piece of advice, and it is distinctly less glamorous than a rooftop champagne party.
If your interest is mainly sexual and you aren't seeking a committed relationship, be honest about that before expectations become tangled. You can be charming, direct and respectful at the same time.
“I really enjoy being with you, but I'm not looking for anything serious,” is an adult sentence. It doesn't become cruel because somebody hoped for a different answer. What would be cruel is pretending you want a future merely to get the intimacy you want tonight.
Likewise, if you are looking for romance, don't pretend you're happy with a casual arrangement just because you find someone irresistible. Wanting more doesn't make you needy; it means you should choose situations that give you a fair chance of finding it.
And whatever the circumstances, enthusiasm must be mutual. Flirting, kissing or going home together does not create an obligation to do anything further. Someone can change their mind. So can you.
Monty can be a flirt. Monty is not an excuse for ignoring a no.
What if you want her, but don't actually like spending time together?
It's an uncomfortable question, but an excellent one.
You might be powerfully drawn to somebody physically and discover that ordinary conversation leaves you cold. Perhaps you're not interested in the same kind of connection. Perhaps you simply don't get on particularly well.
You don't have to invent a romantic story to justify attraction. Nor do you need to denigrate the person for not being your ideal partner. Acknowledging a mismatch quietly and respectfully is far more attractive than treating somebody as a trophy or an inconvenience.
If you're wondering whether a strong spark is enough for a lasting partnership, read chemistry versus compatibility. That's a separate question from whether desire itself is genuine.
A private little check before the next date
When your imagination has finally stopped doing cartwheels, ask yourself three things.
What am I drawn to? Her appearance, physical closeness, conversation, character, shared fun? You can name more than one.
What do I genuinely know about her? Not what you've guessed. What she's actually shown or told you.
What am I prepared to be honest about? Casual interest, hopes for romance, uncertainty, boundaries — yours and hers.
You don't have to announce the answers over the starters. The point is to stop desire making decisions that the rest of you hasn't agreed to.
Remember: her feelings count just as much.
A final word from Monty
Lust can be glorious. Attraction can be enchanting. Occasionally they arrive together like two glamorous guests who haven't bothered to RSVP.
Enjoy the excitement. Wear something magnificent. Say the cheeky thing if the moment invites it. But pay attention when the laughter settles and the conversation begins.
If you fancy somebody, there's no shame in that. If you're falling for the person beneath the glamour, give yourself time to find out who she is. And if you both want different things, spare each other the performance.
After all, a man who knows the difference between wanting a kiss and wanting a connection is rather better equipped for both.
Still learning the art of being irresistibly yourself? Start with Monty's free Seven Secrets to Becoming a Babe Magnet — a thoroughly entertaining introduction, with no velvet smoking jacket required.