A charming man makes people comfortable, noticed and glad they've met him. He pays attention, listens properly, has some humour about himself and doesn't try to turn every conversation into a demonstration of his achievements. Charm is less about impressive lines than the feeling you leave behind.
At a party in Monte Carlo, I once watched a gentleman attempt to impress a woman by explaining the price of his wristwatch. He mentioned it three times before she'd finished her first drink. She escaped by claiming an urgent appointment with the ladies' room. He then explained the watch to me.
Minutes later, she was laughing with a fellow of unremarkable looks and wardrobe. He'd found her somewhere quieter to talk and made a rather good joke at his own expense.
There was the difference, ladies and gentlemen.
What makes a man charming is his ability to make other people feel comfortable, noticed and genuinely pleased to be in his company. It usually comes from a mixture of warmth, easy confidence, social awareness, humour and good manners. Looks might attract someone's attention; charm determines what the next few minutes feel like.
Neither a château nor a silk cravat is compulsory. Regrettably.
Charm isn't a trick you perform on a woman
Charm isn't a winning line or a mysterious gift reserved for extroverts.
I prefer a simpler definition: a charming man is interested in the person in front of him, comfortable enough not to put on a performance, and considerate enough to notice how his behaviour affects her.
Researchers who have examined everyday charisma describe two broad elements: the ability to engage or influence others, and the friendliness that puts them at ease. That's a useful distinction. A man may command a room without making anybody particularly happy to be there. Being noticed isn't the same as being liked.
Charm also isn't about making a woman fancy you against her better judgement. It might create the conditions for a lovely connection. It cannot manufacture attraction, cancel out her preferences or entitle you to anything.
The test is how she feels afterwards: glad to have met you, or exhausted from helping you admire yourself?
Give her the sort of attention you can't fake with a compliment
Most of us know the difference between being heard and being politely waited out.
Suppose a woman tells you she's started learning to sail. A man trying desperately to impress might announce that he owns a boat, once sailed the Mediterranean and could probably teach her a thing or two. He has successfully turned her story into his.
A more charming response would be: “That's fantastic. What made you want to start?” If she mentions that the first lesson was terrifying, he might ask, “What was the bit that frightened you most?” Now the conversation is going somewhere neither person had rehearsed.
Research involving real conversations and speed dates suggests follow-up questions help people feel heard and improve liking. The quality of attention matters more than treating questions as a quota.
Of course, an interview isn't charming either. Share your own stories, opinions and little absurdities. Just don't treat every pause as permission to launch into a monologue about yourself.
For a deeper look at this particular skill, see how to make a woman feel understood in conversation.
Look pleased to be there, not desperate to be admired
Body language says something long before your finest opening remark gets an airing.
A relaxed face, a genuine smile when the moment calls for one, and a comfortable amount of eye contact help make conversation welcoming. So does turning towards the person who's speaking rather than repeatedly looking past her shoulder for a more promising audience.
The crucial word is comfortable. Staring relentlessly into somebody's eyes isn't charm; it's how a man behaves when he's guarding a museum exhibit. Equally, standing so close that she has to shuffle backwards is not romantic confidence.
Give her room. If she seems keen, lovely. If she's turning away or trying to rejoin her friends, don't make her explain herself twice.
When someone else joins the group, introduce her. Don't abandon her mid-sentence for a louder personality.
Small gestures make a conversation feel safer and more inclusive. No theatrical bowing required, unless you've already committed to a cape.
The most attractive confidence gives other people room
There's a curious relationship between charm and confidence. The loudest man at the table is often mistaken for the most self-assured, but he may simply be frightened of silence.
He can express an opinion, hear disagreement, admit uncertainty and laugh when a carefully arranged plan goes wrong.
Picture a date at a restaurant that has lost your reservation. One man demands a manager. The other asks about a later table or somewhere nearby, then tells his date, “Well, our evening's developed a plot twist.”
Neither is delighted about the booking. Only one is pleasant company while sorting it out.
It isn't weak to be flexible. It's often a sign you're secure enough not to confuse a minor inconvenience with an attack on your dignity.
Humour is better when you're sharing the joke
A little wit can make an otherwise ordinary evening memorable. But there is a difference between a man with a sense of humour and a man determined to provide an evening's entertainment whether anybody has bought a ticket or not.
Good humour grows from the moment. Perhaps you've both noticed the absurd description on a cocktail menu. Perhaps she tells you about a dreadful holiday haircut and you admit that, judging by your own history, you're in no position to criticise.
Self-mockery can be delightful because it shows you don't take every detail of your image terribly seriously. Just don't spend the whole date calling yourself hopeless. Eventually somebody may believe you.
Be especially cautious about jokes that depend on embarrassing her, mocking somebody's appearance or pretending an insult is a form of flirting. Teasing works only when you're both comfortably in on it. A stranger doesn't owe you the benefit of the doubt.
I've never considered a well-timed joke an excuse to stop listening. If anything, the best humour proves you've been paying attention.
Manners are charm when nobody's keeping score
You can learn an opening line in five minutes. It's rather harder to fake consideration over the course of an evening.
Do you thank the person who brings your drinks? Do you make an effort with her friends without acting as though you own the place? If she's running late because work has been awful, do you respond like a grown man or behave as if she's insulted the family crest?
I'm not suggesting you become a solemn Victorian gentleman, forever moving chairs and announcing that ladies must go first. Modern manners are simpler. They're about being thoughtful without making a performance of it.
Offer to help, but accept that she can manage perfectly well herself. Be generous if you wish, without making money a display of power. If you offer a compliment, mean it.
The real giveaway is whether your courtesy extends to people you aren't trying to impress. Anybody can be charming to the most glamorous woman at the party. How you behave towards the person clearing up afterwards is much more revealing.
Flirt a little; don't deliver a sales presentation
Romantic charm usually has an extra ingredient: a hint that you're not merely discussing the weather.
There is room for playful compliments, a touch of cheekiness and that delicious moment when two people realise the conversation has become a flirtation. But the best version is responsive. You notice whether she seems to be enjoying the same exchange rather than deciding in advance how it should end.
Compare these two compliments.
“You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I can tell we're going to get along brilliantly.” Quite a prediction, considering you've only just learnt her name.
“I like the way you tell a story. You nearly convinced us that disastrous camping trip was an adventure.” That's particular. It reflects something she's actually done.
You needn't be afraid to show attraction. Being charming isn't pretending you have no romantic interest. It's expressing it with enough lightness that the other person can respond freely.
If she doesn't seem interested, take the hint pleasantly. Charm doesn't become more effective when you refuse to stop.
Your awkward moments can become your best moments
Here is a little secret from a man who has spilt an alarming quantity of champagne on very expensive upholstery: polished perfection can be rather tiresome.
Imagine you're meeting someone for the first time and you accidentally call the restaurant by the name of a completely different one. You can spend the next hour trying to prove you're faultless, or you can laugh and say, “Brilliant start. Apparently I've invited you to dinner somewhere else.”
Your reaction makes the difference.
The same goes for being nervous. If your voice catches or you lose a word, you don't have to pretend it didn't happen. A simple smile and “Well, that sounded smoother in my head” may be enough.
The trick is not to manufacture blunders in the hope of appearing adorable. Just allow yourself to be human.
Can a quiet or shy man be charming?
Certainly. Charm is not a competition to see who can talk the longest.
A reserved man has dry humour, calm attention and thoughtful questions at his disposal. He needn't turn into a nightclub host.
Try one small adjustment rather than attempting a total reinvention. When you meet someone, give a proper greeting instead of disappearing into your phone. Ask a question you genuinely care about. Offer a little piece of your own personality in return.
If group conversations drain you, an unhurried one-to-one conversation may be a better place to shine. If your warmth is being mistaken for reserve, showing warmth without pretending to be extroverted deserves its own discussion.
Being quieter doesn't disqualify you. Being so busy trying to appear interesting that you never actually engage is the bigger obstacle.
There's charm, and then there's a charming act
Charm doesn't guarantee good character. Someone can remember your favourite wine and still behave appallingly when you say no.
That's why I would never advise anyone to measure a man's character by a single dazzling evening. Look for consistency. Does he respect boundaries? Is he considerate when nothing is in it for him? Does the courtesy survive disappointment?
If you're the man hoping to become more charming, this is excellent news. You needn't develop an elaborate persona and keep remembering which version you presented to which woman. You can simply become better company.
A few things to practise this week: listen for the interesting detail in someone else's story; offer a specific, sincere compliment; leave room for a reply; introduce people properly; and handle one small disappointment without making everybody around you suffer for it.
No secret sequence, no guaranteed outcome. Just social skills worth developing.
A word from Monty before you charm the socks off anybody
What makes a man charming isn't the possession of some irresistible line, perfect face or outrageous bank balance. It's the way he makes an interaction feel.
Warmth matters. Humour matters. Timing matters. But the thread running through the lot is simple: you're interested in the person, not just the impression you're making.
Wear a magnificent jacket. Say hello. Listen. Have a little fun. And if she's not interested, take the hint with grace.
She might fancy you. She might not. Either way, you've behaved like a man worth knowing.
And if you need a little help polishing that famous Monty swagger, start with my free Seven Secrets to Becoming a Babe Magnet guide. I can't promise a queue outside your front door. I can promise you'll never need to tell a woman what your wristwatch cost.